What to do if your man is having erectile dysfunction – Erectile Dysfunction. Impotence. Can’t keep it up. Flopadopalous (Urban Dictionary’s term, not ours). Whatever you want to call it, ED is often disregarded as something that only affects the senior portion of the population.
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But that’s not strictly true. According to research from Lloyd’s Pharmacy, 25% of men under the age of 25 have experienced erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives. It’s an awkward enough situation for a man to feel that he can’t please his girlfriend, or that his physical ‘incapabilities’ prevent him from being sexually satisfied, but it’s not just the man it affects.
We spoke to Sarah* a 23-year-old whose relationship with 28-year-old James* broke down because he suffered from Erectile Dysfunction. On the face of it, that might sound shallow; like she wasn’t willing to support him through a medical or psychological issue which could have been overcome, but her experience shows it’s not that simple.
Aside from feeling that her boyfriend’s impotence was a direct reflection of her self-perceived lack of attractiveness, she struggled as her partner closed down and refused to address it, making the situation become more and more of an issue between the two.
At the end of the day, you think you’re not attractive enough
“James and I were together for five months in total,” she told us, “and it all started pretty normally: we got together, went on a few dates and things progressed. At first we had two ‘encounters’, which were fine, but after a while things started going wrong in the bedroom.”
She told us how he wouldn’t be able to maintain his erection for more than a few minutes at a time, and how he would get increasingly sweaty during sex, possibly due to the stress of the situation.
“As things progressed, he got more and more defensive and would make up excuses not to sleep with me. He had a mysterious stomach ache for at least a month. But it made me feel awful, there’s that age-old thing that if a girl says she has a headache, you think she’s trying to avoid it. I thought it was all to do with me.”
The situation got worse until Sarah was at breaking point. “No matter how much you think it might be them, you always put it down to you. Because at the end of the day, you’re not attractive enough for your boyfriend to keep it up. At times I even thought he was seeing someone else,” she admitted.
“I thought he was seeing someone else”
But despite making it question her own sexiness, after coming across an article suggesting anxiety and hormones can be potential causes, Sarah started to feel that it was something James needed to address himself. “I kept saying, ‘You should go and see someone about it or talk to your friends about it’ and he would shut down and say no, he wouldn’t admit it was a problem. To me, the way he dismissed it showed he didn’t take the relationship seriously.”
Sarah also believed that James’ job had something to do with his dismissal of the situation. Working in the forces, he’s surrounded by men and often exposed to a ‘laddy’ culture. “I couldn’t imagine him having anyone to talk to about it without getting the piss taken out of him,” she told us. And he couldn’t go and see a doctor, because being in the Navy he had to go to a designated Royal Navy Medical Service physician.
Despite the fact that James was still affectionate towards her outside of the bedroom, the issue got progressively worse. He began starting arguments with Sarah so they wouldn’t have to go back together at the end of an evening and the ‘problem’ would be averted.
“He used to ask me, ‘Why does it always have to be about sleeping together, why can’t we just watch a film?’ and I would say, ‘That’s all we ever do!’ Just before Christmas I went to his in a sexy Santa outfit and cooked him a whole roast dinner. I even washed up in it! And after all of that he said he was knackered and had a long drive the next day, so I had to get the train home in my outfit. I couldn’t believe it, it was very frustrating.”
James eventually ended the relationship, but since the break-up earlier this year, has admitted that it was his problem. “Afterwards, he told me that he’d felt too much pressure being in a relationship. He admitted it was all his fault and said he regretted putting it all on me, which was good to hear.”
We think it’s important for women to understand erectile dysfunction fully so they don’t end up blaming themselves. When we spoke to NetDoctor’s doctor, Roger Henderson, he told us that about 8 in 10 cases of ED are due to a physical cause. These can include:
– Smoking
– High blood pressure
-High cholesterol
– Diabetes
-Injuries
– Alcohol and drug abuse
– Long distance cycling (pressure from the saddle onto the nerves supplying the penis makes an impact)
-Low levels of testosterone
-Side effects of medication such as antidepressants
But there can be psychological reasons too. Dr. Henderson advised that “as a rule, a psychological cause for ED is more likely than a physical cause if there are times when he can get a good erection, even though most of the time he cannot. For example, if he can get an erection by masturbating, or wakes up in the morning with one. Causes here are stress, anxiety, relationship difficulties and depression.”
In any case, NetDoctor’s Roger thinks it’s advisable to approach it delicately with your partner. “Learn as much as you can about Erectile Dysfunction, and let your partner know that he’s not alone,” he suggests.
“Go with him to see the doctor and remind him there are many options for successful treatment. Also, try alternative techniques in the bedroom, and most of all, stay positive. Don’t assign blame; instead, discuss what you and your partner want and need and how to achieve it together.”
Once you have broached the subject with your other half, Lloyds Pharmacy’s GP, Dr Christina Hennesseyhas some ideas to try and solve the problem.
1. Get him to relax.
” Help your partner take a moment to relax and enjoy themselves, it will allow their muscles to relax and absorb more blood, this includes their penis.”
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