I walked in on on him with my best friend having sex in the spare bedroom. We’re still married. I’m still friends with her. I thought I’d feel outraged. I didn’t. I felt sad and lonesome. The thing that bothered me most was that they never gave me the opportunity to talk about it. They just assumed I’d be against it, hurt, angry, bitter and may even ditch them because they were making out behind me. That made me feel like an outsider. I’ve always felt like a bit of an outsider, but they were the inside circle…
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I was an outsider in my own house.
It was hard. I felt like everything about me was insufficient. I felt ashamed of being not enough – of not being important enough to remember when they were together.
I heard the little voice in my head say the same things it always had about how I was ugly, awkward, ineffective, disappointing…all those little doubts and insecurities that sometimes creep in…except instead of saying, “no, I’m not really so bad,” I said, “yes, I know.” It’s took me a couple of years to stop feeling like that.
Walking in on them forced me to take a hard look at things many folks never really question. I thought I knew how I’d feel and I was wrong. It turns out that I cared the least about the having Sex:’ thing. I’ve never felt strongly about that. I tend to feel that monogamy is right for some people but not everyone, and that love is not a finite resource. There was nothing about that relationship that diminished me. The problem was the secret, not the Sex:’.
So I’m still married. I’m still friends with her. I don’t feel bad about it. My marriage has room for friendships that include intimacy, and that’s wonderful (for me too). I might never have discovered that without walking in on them – I would have preferred something a little less distressing, but life is like that sometimes.”
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