What my son’s death taught me about love – My son died in-utero when my body kick-started an early labor process about halfway through my pregnancy. After learning that my cervix inexplicably began to dilate overnight, my doctor told me he could no longer find a heartbeat for the baby he tended to just 36 hours before.
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My fully-developed son has a name, a birthday and hand and footprints. He also has a grave that bears the last names of both my ex and I, giving an identity to our son, and on some level, our nearly five-year relationship. People wish me “Happy Mother’s Day!” in May even though I have no living children. That’s a hard truth to explain to someone; it’s also difficult to forget or fail to mention. My son’s death is like a soundtrack that plays in the background of my brain every day, on repeat, a defining moment in time that transformed and shaped me completely. The only upside to my loss are the many truths I discovered following it. Some were difficult; others liberating, but most importantly, these lessons turned me into the resilient woman I am today and for that, I have my son to thank.
1. Nothing scares me anymore. I labored a baby I already knew was dead and I did it alone. My family scrambled to book flights to get to me. My son’s father, a man I’d been with for nearly five years, was in shock and denial, afraid and unwilling to change his flight that was already scheduled for a baby-shopping trip a few days later. I labored without an epidural by myself. I prayed and gave directions by myself. I crossed physical, mental and emotional barriers that I had no idea I’d need to prepare for by myself. I now know that I’m as strong as they come; nothing scares me anymore. The man who makes me his wife will have a partner who can stand with him through the toughest of times and won’t lose her head.
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