2. You’re ignoring the social context when you’re approaching women
The next key mistake that guys make when approaching women: they ignore the social context. The social context is, put simply, the rules that govern people’s expected behavior in social situations.
This, for example, is why the fine sport of frozen-turkey bowling is frowned upon in grocery stores during business hours; it goes against the social context. If you start sliding the largest Butterball you can grab at that Dr. Pepper display, you’re going to get thrown out.
Of course, this can be a bit complicated at times. As you might imagine, the social context is pretty, well, contextual. For example, there are restaurants where meals are long and leisurely and it’s generally expected that you’re going to eat at a measured pace. At the same time, there’re restaurants where you’re there to shovel your food in your face and get the hell out. Waiting one second longer than it takes to pull out your wallet and pay is going to earn you the ire of the staff waiting to turn the table over and the diners waiting for your table.
Similarly, there are coffee shops where people are just there to get their muddy bean water so they can face the day and coffee shops where people post up to work for hours.
If you can tell the difference between these, congratulations: you can, in fact, read the social context. Now let’s apply this to approaching women. The question at hand is whether you are in a place where approaching women and men is generally considered acceptable behavior or not.
If you’re at a restaurant, do you stand up and start going over to another table to strike up a conversation just because you think they look interesting? No, that would be weird. That goes against the social context. You’re there to eat; meeting strangers isn’t part of the social context.
Bars, on the other hand, are generally expected to be social spaces. At most bars and clubs, the social context is that it’s a place where people meeting and approaching strangers is acceptable behavior.
As a general rule, people on buses, on the street, or otherwise going about their day aren’t open to strangers approaching them. The social context doesn’t support it, they don’t expect it or even want it. They want to get through their day without people bothering them.
But what if there’s a hypothetical woman who’s single? After all, according to Bacon:
Most single women are open to being approached by a confident guy, so that they can have a chance to meet a potential new lover or boyfriend.
Doesn’t he have a point? Wouldn’t she be open to some charming man approaching her?
In an infinite universe, yes, it is possible that any random woman would be open to being approached. In practice, however, you have better odds navigating an asteroid field in a busted-ass Corellian freighter.
See, part of the social context is that just because you’re open to behavior in one place doesn’t mean you’re open to it everywhere or from everyone. Having an account on Tinder doesn’t mean that you’re also open to randos hitting you up on Facebook. The fact that she’s looking for a new lover doesn’t mean she’s open to anyone applying at any time. She may want to find a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean right at that very instant. This is doubly true if, say, she has social anxiety or gets flustered or anxious talking to people.
But what about serendipity? The beauty of meeting a charming stranger on the bus?
Ask yourself this: where have you made most of your friends? Like most people, you probably met them at work, at school or through shared interests. How many have you met by approaching random people on the street? Likely in the single digits at best.
Now ask why finding a lover should be any different.
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