5. You think this means you can’t approach women, ever
So I’m going to say something a lot of you aren’t going to like. A lot of you are going to have an immediate reaction to what I’m about to tell you, a reflexive anger. Trust me for a second when I tell you to clamp down on that knee-jerk reaction and listen to me. Because I’m going somewhere with this and it will make sense in the end.
The advice typified by Bacon’s godawful column is about not just avoiding a no but ignoring it. That advice – and the attitudes behind it – make dating worse for everyone by increasing the risks that women face.
This isn’t about my hating men or insulting people who come to me for advice, it’s to make you recognize something: that reflex you just had is a sign that you’ve missed the point. It’s like a finger pointing at the moon; you get so focused on the finger that you’ve missed all the heavenly glory. The point of this column – of my site as a whole – is to make men better. I want you to have an amazing love life and I’m giving you the tools to make that happen. But if you’re making these mistakes, you’re not going to get there.
Straight talk: if these guidelines are too much or too complicated for you, then you shouldn’t be approaching women. If you’ve read this and immediately asked “so I guess I should never talk to women”, then you’re right. You shouldn’t.
The behaviors I talk about aren’t mistakes because women are arbitrary creatures who hate your boner. These aren’t mistakes because people want to make shit harder because fuck you that’s why. It really has nothing to do with you at all.
The reason why they’re mistakes is that this behavior makes women feel unsafe. When you’re throwing your hands up and saying that avoiding these mistakes is too difficult, you’re saying that making sure someone wants to talk to you is too much. That’s not a good look on anyone.
But here’s something to keep in mind: you can avoid many of these mistakes by not cold-approaching women. Please notice very carefully that I didn’t say you couldn’t date – just that you should avoid trying to pick up women you meet when you’re out and about.
While I’m very much a proponent of cold-approach – at night and during the day – it can be goddamn difficult and it’s not for everyone. Critically, it’s also not the only way to meet women. You can meet women through friends. You can meet women at work or through classes. Go to parties, where the social context encourages approaching strangers and making new friends. Women who’ve signed up for OKCupid and Tinder are saying they want to be approached. They have explicitly said that they want to see if you can create a spark with them… as long as you do it the right way.
One of the keys to dating success is enthusiastic consent; you don’t want to avoid a “no”, you want to get a yes. Approaching women should be an opt-in activity, not an opt-out.
Most women going about their day have not opted-in. When they’re getting cornered by guys on the bus or subway or walking down the street, they’re being dropped into an encounter that they didn’t choose. And that’s going to put most women off, for good reason.
Don’t sabotage your dating success before it even has a chance to start. Forget Bacon’s bullshit and stop annoying the women who don’twant to talk to you. Start approaching women who want you to approach them and watch your dating success soar.
Source: Yourtango
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