Foreplay – Be a lover, not a technician. I continue to be baffled by the relationship many people have to “foreplay.” I’ve been putting the word in quotation marks for decades (driving print magazine editors crazy as far back as the 1980s), because it describes a state of mind I don’t want to endorse.
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First, it supposes that intercourse is “real sex,” and everything else isn’t — other activities are just second-rate sex.
Furthermore, “foreplay” supposes that one is preparing for something — that these activities don’t have a satisfaction or integrity of their own.
When I was in high school, “foreplay” was what a guy did to get a girl hot for “real sex.”
A lot of guys rushed through it, because they had their eye on a bigger prize beyond it (“real sex”). Guys also rushed through it because they didn’t enjoy it very much — it was a perfunctory ritual, a necessary procedure that girls apparently wanted, although we didn’t much understand what they got from it—other than making us jump through hoops before giving us what we really wanted.
As stilted and empty as that sounds, I see too many adult men and women in my office with the same attitude. They rush through “foreplay,” because they simply don’t enjoy it. They’re too distracted by concerns about erection, lubrication, or orgasm. They’re too anxious about succeeding. They’re too worried about how their partner is feeling, and how close they are to saying “let’s forget the whole thing tonight.”
No one can enjoy “foreplay” very much when they’re distracted like that.
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