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9 things you MUST discuss with your partner before having sex for the first time

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Sex – Make sure your first experience is a good one. The first time you discover the world of kink, you’ll probably be a little bit apprehensive, but mostly excited. That’s how I felt, at least, once I could fully embrace that part of myself and joined my local community.

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But, as a lifelong writer and thinker and future psychologist, I started looking at my interactions with the people of kink.

How do they choose who to play with? How do their relationships evolve? How can some of them get pick-up play partners while others sit forlorn at every party?

In my experience, lots of it has to do with your ability to negotiate well. Whether it’s negotiating your way into their circle of friends so you can get to know them, or simply asking for a play session to someone who caught your eye, the best and most active players in the scene are usually the ones who have the best negotiating skills. Most of it is innate; these people are just capable of asking the right questions and getting the right information to make sure that everyone’s happy. But you can also learn to be more skilled at negotiation.

(Note: Because I’m a bottom, a lot of this will sound bottom-oriented. But everything is applicable to both tops and bottom.)

1. Scene goal/intent

This is the first question, but it’s also the hardest. We don’t always go into a scene with an intent other than have fun or a new experience, but sometimes we have scenes in order to process an emotional experience, either recent or old. Sometimes we have scenes in order to release stress or anxiety. Sometimes we have scenes to reenact traumas from our past that we want to process and move on from.

What do you want to experience? What’s your intention for going into the scene? Why does doing this scene at this particular time matter to you?

Answering (and sharing) your answer to this question openly and honestly will help with the rest of the process.

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