Things every woman must know about men: My wife, Carlin, invited me and my men’s group to share some things about being a man with her women’s group. We’ve done this before. One of the things that helped women with “getting” and understanding men was the fishbowl process, where the men sit in the center and the women sit quietly around and just listen. It doesn’t take long for the men to engage each other and the female’s presence fades into the background as we talk “man-to-man”.
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This reminded me of my first fishbowl experience nearly 50 years ago. I was at a conference for men and women and the leaders first had the women come into a circle with the men listening on the outside.
I was entranced as I listened to the women talking about themselves and thought “they’re just like me and they’re oh-so-different.”
When it was time to reverse roles, the women began moving out of the circle and the men moved in. The woman sitting in front of me smiled and patted the spot where she was sitting on the floor, a warm gesture of “your turn, have a seat.”
I sat where she indicated, but it was like sitting on a hot stove. I literally jumped up and finally moved to another spot. All this took place in a matter of seconds as the women moved out of the circle and the men moved in.
I immediately burst into tears. As the men finally took their seats, here I was sobbing and nothing had happened yet, our sharing hadn’t even begun. The somewhat surprised leader asked, “So what’s happening with you?” Between my tears I was able to share what went on for me:
When the woman offered her spot, I immediately went there. It’s what I had been doing my whole life. Somehow, I felt I needed to plug into a woman’s energy in order for me to feel alive. Sitting in her spot energized me. It felt safe. But I couldn’t stay there.
In that moment, I knew I needed to find my own life energy, my own strength, separate from a woman. The tears were from the knowledge that I had to let go of my dependence on women and in order to find my own power and energy. I couldn’t rely on “her” to energize my identity.
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