Don't get married until you hash out these 9 issues

Don’t get married until you hash out these 9 issues – You need to take note!

You know the “work” they say marriage takes? Here’s what they mean. There probably aren’t many people who haven’t heard the words “marriages take a lot of work.” This is a good thing to be aware of before your marriage.

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That way you won’t feel surprised or blindsided when the inevitable breakdowns occur. But you should also be aware of just how much work we’re talking about.

And the best time to become aware of that is before, not after you tie the knot.

Unfortunately many couples wait until after they get married to become curious about the nature of the work that’s involved in making committed partnerships work.

Many others don’t get curious or motivated enough to look into the question at all. Many couples make the decision to marry in the thrall of infatuation when it seems inconceivable that anything could ever interrupt the intensity of the overwhelming love that both partners feel toward each other. So why bother?

Well, the answer to the “why bother?” question is simple: Feelings can and frequently do change. That doesn’t mean the two of you made a mistake getting hitched, rather you make a mistake believing you could never possibly feel any differently toward each other.

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Those who understand this are more motivated to do some prep work for the inevitable marital breakdowns. (“Breakdowns” aren’t “breakups.” They’re disruptions that challenge the integrity of the relationship and require interventions in order to re-stabilise things.)

Great relationships don’t just happen; they’re created, or rather, “co-created.”

This process involves the cultivation of personal strengths, traits, and skills, as well as a system of good support. It may not take a village to grow a marriage, but it does take some outside help along the way.

Most of the work and the learning is done on the job. The good news is that you don’t have to have had a great track record in the relationship department or in your personal family experience in order to develop the skills and character traits that enhance the likelihood of success in relationships.

Examples of relationship skills have to do with communication (listening and speaking), co-operativeness (this is not about compliance, but about sharing responsibilities respectfully), self-care, and conflict management.

While it may not be possible to anticipate all potential concerns, there are some questions that are relevant to nearly all marriages that are essential to the establishment of alignment and agreement regarding foundational matters.

These issues don’t need to all be fully resolved before you get married, but unless they are at least brought up and put on the table, it is likely that at a future point they will become a source of distress and disturbance to both partners. Examples of these issues are:

Children: Is there an agreement about having children? When? How many? Who will take care of them? How long will mom or dad stay home? If there are problems with fertility, is adoption an option? If we have a change of heart about any of these questions, how do we negotiate our prior agreements?
In-laws: What is our policy regarding family visits on holidays? How do we deal with aging or dependent parents?
Work: How do we determine whose job dictates where we live? Are all promotions and raises in salary acceptable, even if they require more time away from the family?
Money: What are our expectations of each other for financial contribution to the family? What is the maximum one person can spend without consent from the other? Do we want a budget?
Friendships: Is it OK for each of us to have friends of the opposite sex? How much time is it OK for us to spend with our friends? How do we deal with it if one person feels neglected?
Sexuality: How do we handle it if there are differences in rates of sexual desire? How open are each of us to different sexual techniques. Is there a willingness to seek professional help if there is a sexual problem? Is so when? How do we deal with it if one person wants to get help and the other doesn’t?
Separateness and Togetherness: What would be the ideal amount of time spent together and apart for each of us?
Privacy: What is our policy regarding communication about personal and marital concerns with other people?
Love: What are our preferred ways of having love expressed?