5. Empathize with your partner’s feelings
While you are practicing this self-examination, you also need to have empathy for your partner. At this point, they are probably not being their “best selves”. There will be a long time of rough going.
One moment, you’ll think all is well again, and the next, out to the doghouse! Keep in mind that your partner, who didn’t do the deed, is at least as off-center and mixed up as you are. Their world has been turned upside down, and they’re trying to find their own safe harbor.
When they’re in a rage, all you can do is tolerate your own feelings about it. Have faith that it will pass, and you’ll be back on the path of healing.
4. Acknowledge what you did
Your shame about your affair is so painful, the last thing you want to do is to look at it. But you have to.
Chances are, you have never thought of yourself as a cheater. Even the word may make you cringe. Now that you know you have a cheater in you, you will not be able to stuff it away and pretend it doesn’t exist.
Since you’re taking the time to read this, I have to believe you are a “good” person who did a “bad” thing. When a person acts out by having an affair, it’s usually because there’s something inside that needs expression, and hasn’t become clear enough to be put into words.
When you shame yourself for your behavior, all you’re doing is punishing yourself. And while both you and your partner may agree that you should be punished, this self-inflicted shame gets in the way of learning.
It’s tempting to hate the “cheater part” of you and want to wipe it out, but that can make things even worse. Pushing away parts of yourself you don’t like is probably one of the sources of your actions.
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