Maybe it’s writing a dirty story and sending it to your partner or putting together a sexy scavenger hunt to make things hot and heavy again. There’s even a subscription service that discreetly delivers fun and flirty romantic surprises to your door. And sometimes, the best way to get sexy is as easy as simply relaxing.

Because of media influence, many of us have an exaggerated, stressful image of sex, say Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. To have more fun, focus on having fun, instead of meeting a goal. Some sex encounters go well, some don’t, so have a sense of humor. Spend more time giggling, talking and being silly and less time under pressure. A lighter attitude makes sex more fun. And who doesn’t want that?

See our list of 12 ways to bring back the sexy in your relationship.

1. Up The Kinky

Upping the kink factor in your relationship can actually be a great way for those of us who are more vanilla to break out of shells and experiment with something new. It can also be a way of feeling closer to our partner.

“This being said, there may be behaviors that you are just not open to doing and that is OK too,” says Dr. Kat Van Kirk, a clinical sexologist, marriage and family therapist, author and host. Partners should have enough sensitivity to work you into these behaviors as well as be ok with some hard and fast boundaries. Many people into kink have learned to be very good negotiators sexually as very few people have exactly the same proclivities.

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