If we, men and women alike, each had a bank account that contained appreciation from others (instead of money), most of us would have to file for bankruptcy. That’s the sad state of things. Most of our bank accounts are empty, or even in serious overdraft. And few of us show up as our best self for others when we feel that depleted.
So, is this what’s going on for someone right before they cheat? Their emotional appreciation bank account is in overdraft?
As a broad generality, yes. Men want and need to know they’re doing wellby the people they care about. They feel like they’re winning, not losing. How do they know they’re doing well and winning? Well, their partner is happy in general, happy with them and expresses it openly. Men with partners like that feel deeply, truly, and consistently appreciated.
When men don’t feel appreciated — when they feel their efforts make no difference, that they’re unable to make you happy and provide what you need — they begin to shut down, tune out, and leave, or cheat.
Appreciation is a vital emotional nutrient for men. If they don’t get that nutrient regularly from you, they find a place (or person) that will supply it. Whether that’s long hours spent at work, hanging out with their buddies, or finding another woman.
So, does showing appreciation mean painting on a saccharine smile, endlessly stroking his ego and pretending to like something you actually don’t? No. That’s not sincere appreciation at all.
The power of genuine appreciation is deceptively simple. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “What you celebrate, you get more of.” Pour your attention into pointing out what sucks — about him, life, the relationship, you — and you’ll get more suckiness. Pour your attention into pointing out what you appreciate, enjoy, find satisfying and fun for you, and that’s exactly what he’ll give more of.
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