You probably don’t set out to make your man feel like a loser. I’m sure when you mention things he does that displeases you, you’re really trying to help things change for the better. Most of us think and do the same. We focus on it! Make sure he knows! Unfortunately, this backfires big time, every time.
So, what’s the remedy? Start making regular deposits in his “emotional appreciation” bank account. Make a point of noticing and commenting on what your man does that’s good, right, delicious, fun, satisfying, pleasurable, humorous, or inspiring.
Try doing this at least once a day. Or, if that’s easy for you, 5 to 10 times per day. And make sure his appreciation bank account is full before bringing up something hard. A good guideline is around five appreciations for every request you make. (Hint: this works not only with partners and lovers but with colleagues, brothers, fathers, sons, and friends).
But it has to be real for you. If you’re faking it, he’ll know and your words will bounce off him like a bounced check.
Of course, I know there are real impasses and conflicts you need to address and deal with. Not now. Dealing with them and getting anywhere with them (rather than driving you both deeper into “stupid” fights) is not possible without his appreciation bank account feeling full.
Maybe you feel like he hasn’t appreciated you very much lately either, so why should you appreciate him? Maybe your emotional bank account is empty and you’re not sure where you’ll find the appreciation bone in your body.
Appreciation isn’t the whole picture in building extraordinary relationships, but it is the foundation. Without it, the relationship crumbles. Good will erodes. Tempers easily flare, like a match on a dry forest floor. Resentment builds up. You feel like opponents, rather than allies.
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