Several people groaned and Randy lowered his head in shame as Jay turned back to face me, saying “You wanted to know why I would kidnap your girlfriend or enact a cunning plot that required countless hours of espionage and planning; all to lead you on a desperate journey of fear, isolation, and eventual catharsis? It was all a test. There you go. THANKS, Randy.”
“Hey, I’m not the jerk who said ‘passed!”” Someone grabbed Randy by the shoulder and he turned back around, his hands clenched into fists.
Jay sighed as he looked at Randy. “You know what? You’re right. I was about to tell him anyway and I was just mad at myself for not sticking the reveal. I’m sorry I blamed you.”
Randy’s fists unclenched and his posture relaxed. “I’m sorry I yelled.”
“No, you had every right…”
“GUYS!” I shouted, getting Jay’s attention. “What do you mean test?”
“The order has an opening and we’d like to invite you to join.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“To be honest, you’re the only candidate who’s made it this far into the initiation, so you might as well hear us out.”
“Hear you out?! Jay! You abducted Alice, made me think I shot you, fucking CHLOROFORMED me and basically ruined my life and all because you want me to join your stupid sex-cult?!”
“Hey!”
Jay lifted a hand to quiet Randy and then smiled at me as he said, “It’s not a sex cult. It’s a secret all-powerful order that worships a pagan god that, YES, happens to use sex to eroticize the most deeply rooted fears of mortal men so that he may one day fill their hearts with his own darkness. All I’m asking you, Clarence, is: Will you let his darkness come inside YOU?”
At this point, the entire audience including Jay shouted in unison, “He’s coming! He’s coming! Oh god, HE’S COMING!”
“Yeah, you guys might wanna cut the singular refrain from your ‘not a cult’ sales pitch.”
Several people in the audience began to murmur between each other and Jay smiled awkwardly as he turned back to me and said, “I feel like we’re getting off on the wrong foot here…”
“Yeah? Kidnapping someone’s girlfriend will do that. Make a note!”
“Toby, can you untie Mr. Worley? Maybe get him something to drink? Would you like a Vitamin Water?”
“Is the vitamin in that water Cialis?” I asked as Toby finished untying me and his erect penis once again entered my field of view. I quickly glanced up at his masked face. “I mean damn, dude… It’s cold in here and everything.”
“Ah yes, Toby is a brood of the dark one… He is truly blessed.”
Toby grunted at me through the plague mask and I tried not to whimper as I said, “I can see that.”
“Let me ask you, Clarence, have you ever been a member of a secret all-powerful order?”
“I have not.”
“Do you like money, fame, beautiful women throwing themselves at you, all the free drugs you can ingest, and the power to dictate your own destiny?”
“What’s the catch?”
Without missing a beat, Jay smirked and replied “A single sacrifice.”
“My soul?”
The entire audience erupted with laughter and Jay had to wait several moments before it was quiet enough to respond, “That’s a bit of a common misconception among outsiders. See, people like us? Our souls are useless when we’re done with them. Selling your soul to an evil entity is like telling someone you’re going to trade them a cheeseburger after you’re done eating it. What’s left isn’t really worth the effort.”
“Yeah, I get the analogy. So what’s my sacrifice then?”
“The flesh and blood of someone you love.”
Jay nodded off screen and suddenly I was looking at Alice through a security camera feed. She was sitting in a small room surrounded by steel doors with tiny windows set into them at eye-level. “Alice!”
Jay’s voice was still audible through the laptop. “I’m sorry to say she can’t hear you. Trust me. It will make this next part a whole lot easier.”
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