9 Rules happy couples follow when they fight

3. They own their feelings.

This is a big one. Don’t begin sentences with “you,” says Walsh. You need to take full responsibility of your feelings so instead of saying, “You’re making me angry,” try, “I feel angry when…” This helps your partner feel less defensive and more willing to listen to what you’re saying.

When a fight comes out of nowhere—like when one of you loses it during a long car ride—Walsh recommends having what she calls an “automatic sound bite” to slow things down. Saying something like “That didn’t feel very good,” when your guy criticizes your driving skills will show him your feelings are hurt. It’s the first step to getting your emotions under control and managing the argument in a more productive way.