4. You talk sh*t about your partner to your friends.
Like the other behaviors above, complaining about your partner to other people doesn’t really solve problems, it just gives you a thrill of dramatic attention and keeps feeding the problem. You gripe to others about your partner because you want people to agree with you and take your side in the problem. You want to be right, so you rally validation for your position, escalating ‘me versus you’ to ‘us versus you’ in an attempt to force your partner to give you your way.
When complain about your partner to others, you’re attempting to take the safe and easy way toward what you think will solve the issue at hand. But, you’re not solving anything. Instead you’re alienating your partner and avoiding real problem-solving. First, because you’re not talking directly to the person you have the problem with. And second, because friends are biased and can’t really solve the problem. Sure, they can offer opinions and suggestions, yet you must ultimately still address the actual issues with your partner one-on-one (and, perhaps most importantly, within yourself).
Making your partner look bad to others destroys the sense of safety and trust in your relationship. Remember a healthy and thriving relationship cannot exist without a solid level of trust, connection and vulnerability.
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