Habits – You can’t help but like them! When we were young and in school, ‘being popular’ felt like everything. But often, the ‘popular kids’ weren’t necessarily the nicest people. As such the word “popular” can sometimes carry a negative connotation in adulthood.
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But the truth is … some people really are more popular than others. And what makes them popular isn’t fame, beauty, or other trappings of a ‘look at me’ lifestyle. Instead, true popularity — being a person most people can’t help but like — is based on very specific (but attainable) traits.
So, why are we so drawn to ‘popular’ people?
If you’ve read my articles before, you know I like to explain character traits in relation to survival of the individual and survival of the species. We all have a survival need for others to like us. At the same time, we also have a need to rapidly judge whether people are a danger to us.
All mammals rapidly categorize others of their species. Humans do this, too. During this scanning process, we look for things that might prove poisonous or harmful to us, physically or emotionally.
Well-liked (or, ‘popular’) people feel safe to us.
We sense their high opinion of us. And when we feel happily safe around others, we can relax and be our playful or vulnerable selves.
Jaak Panksepp, eminent animal researcher and a human psychoanalyst, speaks about every human’s survival need for social-play. Mice that are stand-offish do not play as robustly. Those mice exhibit decreased health and vitality.
Play (whether that’s actual lighthearted laughter with friends or simply experimenting with new ideas or approaches in the workplace) is essential to our well-being, feeds our ability to image and create, and helps us develop more flexible responses to what life throws at us. Feelings like: fear, anger, pain, hunger and judgemental-ness stop play in its tracks.
So, we feel relief (and elation) when we’re around someone whose respectful smile or curiosity makes us feel safe to relax, explore, and play. In fact, we adore these people. We even get a hit of dopamine when we feel well-liked, which generates an enhanced sense of self-esteem, according to Panskepp.
‘Popular’ people ultimately make us feel good about ourselves! Here’s how they do it:
1. They don’t gossip about other people.
High drama doesn’t leave room for sharing real emotions. Popular people don’t associate with people who feel victimized, talk trash about other people, or enjoy unnecessary drama. You like them because you know they won’t tear you down behind your back.
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