One way to begin to rebuild trust is to ask yourself what we call the “tough questions.”
We call them “tough” because the answer may not be something you want to admit to or even think about. These may be questions that have been filling your mind for quite some time, but because they make you uncomfortable, you push them to the side and kind of hope they’ll resolve on their own or simply go away.
We get it. Nobody enjoys delving into topics or considering possibilities that are emotionally painful!
These questions may challenge the way you have always believed things are (or have to be). Tough questions take you to places you may not want to go, but they can also mark a vital turning point for your healing and your relationship.
When you find the courage to ask — and honestly answer — tough questions like these, you can start making not just short-term positive changes, but those that will help you and your partner rebuild a much better relationship than you had before the affair!
The tough questions that benefit you and your relationship are not the same as they will be for another person or another couple. Use the questions below as a starting point.
We recommend that, as you read through this list of questions, you pay attention to the thoughts and physical reactions you have to the words.
If a question sparks a strong emotion and triggers or “catches” you (e.g. tensing up, tearing up, feeling anxious, clenched jaw or stomach, etc.), that’s probably a question that would be helpful for you to explore.
Keep in mind, if your first reaction is to dismiss a question or mentally throw it out as “useless” or even “stupid,” that could be another indication that spending a little time considering your answer to it would be useful to your healing.
Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to process whatever comes up for you as you approach this tough questions exercise. Be specific about words and behaviors as you come up with honest answers.
The less you can focus on establishing blame or who’s “right,” the more informative this will be. When you stick with this exercise and engage as fully as you can, there will be benefits!
As we said, everybody’s tough questions are unique. Use the examples below as a way to get thinking (and observing yourself) and then come up with your own list.
Tough Question #1: “In what ways do I feel most disconnected from my partner?”
Tough Question #2: “What are my partner’s habits that add to mistrust and distance?”
Tough Question #3: “What are my habits that push my partner away and add distance?”
Discussion about this post