The problem is, this approach isn’t sustainable. It has long-term risks to your own mental health and to the health of your marriage.
One of the major risks of the men-need-it-more-so-I’ll-just-grin-and-do-it approach to conjugal sex is that human sexuality — particularly female sexuality — doesn’t take well to being used, even by the woman it belongs to.
Female sexuality is stubbornly, maddeningly, exquisitely its own force of nature. It can’t be tricked, bartered or convinced. Not unlike the clitoris itself, a woman’s sexuality does what it does best when it’s working purely for its own pleasure.
Of course, we can (and sometimes do) try to harness our sexuality for other purposes: as a status-quo maintainer, a bargaining chip, a peace offering and even as a weapon (“Your career is more important than I am? Well my new trainer doesn’t think so.”). When we misuse our sexuality, there’s a price to pay.
In our marriages, too much practical, charitable sex erodes our connection to our husbandsbut also to our own erotic selves. We feel like frauds. Don’t get me wrong; now and again, a QFF (Quick Friendly F*ck) has helped many a couple through stressful or tough times when opportunities for creative lovemaking are scarce. But when QFFs become MMFs (Mundane Mercy F*cks), the fun and spontaneity die.
No fun in the bedroom, most experts agree, contributes to affairs, addictions, divorce and just plain old existential misery. MMFs are dangerous when they become habitual, particularly if they serve as a way of avoiding necessary conflicts that would help you both grow. Even in a stable marriage, MMFs make it harder for you to know what you feel and want.
Ironically, satisfying your man’s sexual needs with too much kindness can also breed anger and resentment. It’s the flip side of the When-Harry-Met-Sally-orgasm-argument: actually, they DO know when we’re faking it. Our acquiescence feels infantilizing. It’s insidiously hurtful.
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