5. Putting your children’s needs first.
As more single and divorced adults are raising children on their own, they continue to seek a suitable life partner. While dating and blending families as a couple can be a wonderful experience, it can also be challenging and difficult, full of frustration, misunderstanding, tension and resentment.
Researcher E. Mavis Hetherington, PhD found that the the divorce rate for second marriages “to be 50 percent higher in remarriages with stepchildren.”
Not all blended families have the same level of complexity, Dr. Hetherington went on to specify that in “simple stepfamilies” (where only one partner brought a child or children to the new marriage) the overall divorce rate is 65%, whereas when both partners have children from previous relationships (“complex stepfamilies”) the divorce rate is slightly more than 70%.
There is often much resistance and struggle from the children, and a major adjustment for them. Children may feel powerless, because the blending is not their choice. This can cause greater resistance and defiance to one or both partners/parents in the relationship.
Recognizing the struggle and resistance to change in the dynamics of blending a family is vital and on-going. It’s crucial to accept the fact that each person impacted by this change, will move through it in a different way and pace. The importance of being aware of the potential of favoring your child in the relationship over your partner and his or her child is essential.
Couples should find the common ground with ways of parenting, perhaps consulting with atherapist or relationship coach, so that both children and parents feel valued and respected within the transition of blending families.
Challenges and conflict can trigger our past relationship wounds and negative beliefs about ourselves and relationship.
They impact effective communication, goal setting, creating and achieving common relationship goals, and this creates resentment, mistrust and guardedness with interactions.
Challenges and conflict are indicators that something in the relationship needs to be addressed. They aren’t bad — they are opportunities for learning and growth, both individually and as a couple.
We learn and grow through engaging in our challenges and difficult times, not by avoiding them.
As you face relationship challenges, here are some important concepts to consider:
- Rather than spend all your energy and time getting your partner to understand you, seek first to understand your partner as best you can, putting yourself in their perspective and shoes.
- Listening is the most important part of healthy communication and problem-solving. Ask questions, mirror back to them what you hear, to gain greater understanding and clarity of their view. This shows you value and care about that person and their point of view.
- Seek win-win outcomes.
- Be assertive (speaking your truth with words of peace) in addressing concerns without blame.
- Identify the problem you’re having, your feelings and beliefs around it. Using “I” statements, express to your partner the problem you have and your feelings because of this, , and make a request (not a demand) for what you need or don’t need to address the problem.
- Within each situation, be honest, open and willing to find the common ground between each other.
To accept and engage in our relationship challenges and conflicts is to open the door to greater possibilities, both to live and to grow.
Source: Yourtango
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