2. Focus on yourself and your family — not the addict and the addiction.
The first of the twelve steps of Alanon is to admit that you are powerless over the disease. You”didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.” This is true, and it also does NOT mean you and your family are therefore doomed to continue on the same path of suffering.
One dynamic between addicts and enabling partners is that each believes the other causes their suffering. The addict believes their partner drives them to drink, and the enabling partner thinks the addict makes their life miserable. Each wants the other to change.
You must recognize your own part in the pattern — that you passively wait for your partner to get better — before you can have a life. You must have your own life and it must be your priority. For your own sake, and for your children’s.
This means letting go of some familiar attitudes, including fondly-held ideas about what family is supposed to be. In this family, Father (or Mother) doesn’t always know best. When you find yourself blaming your partner or their addiction for spoiling something, stop and ask yourself, “What do I need right now? What choices can I make to give myself and my children a secure, nourishing life?”
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